I wrote a blog post on friendships a couple months ago and the response it got pleasantly surprised me. Whilst I was glad that people were engaging with the content, it revealed something deeper: a general desire to have true friendships. Friendships that are mutually beneficial and compatible with the person you want to become.
More recently, I was in quite an uncomfortable situation that led to 3 further lessons about friendships I believe are worth sharing.
1. Define your friendships
What do you truly want out of your friendships? What do you expect from your friendships that you are also willing to reciprocate?
Recently, I was almost shamed out of having certain standards for my friendships. However, asking questions like the above reminded me that someone not agreeing with my standards does not make it invalid. It also revealed the importance of taking the time to consider the life we want for ourselves as this can enable us to better spot behaviours that are incongruent with that.
Don’t be shamed out of having standards.The word “standards”, I feel can be used quite loosely and has “diva” connotations but a quick google search revealed it simply means ‘a level of quality and attainment’. I think it would be quite reckless to not have a certain level of quality for those we keep in our innermost circle. I believe that who you become has a lot to do with who you are associated with – which is even more of a reason to define your friendships.
2. Discernment is key
The ability to discern (judge well), is an important part of maintaining quality friendships. The friends that were compatible in one season, may be incompatible in the next.
Discernment makes decisions by analysing what you currently know, to assess potential outcomes – we call this foresight. So, the outcome does not have to become tangible before you recognise what action needs to be taken. Some of us wait too long before we nip incongruent behaviour in the bud because there isn’t yet serious damage. But I’m realising that you do not have to wait until the building is in flames before you extinguish the source of the fire. You can take action when you smell the smoke.
3. Disassociate with the old to welcome in the new
Everyone desires meaningful connection – I really do think this is an intentional aspect of the human experience. Because of this, we are susceptible to keeping friends that are no longer compatible out of fear of being alone. However, when one door closes another door will surely open. You may be holding on to some friends that are preventing you from forming new, better suited friendships.
The title of this post was inspired by a Bible verse I recently came across, where king David says:
My innermost circle will only be those who I know are pure and godly. They will be the only ones I allow to minister to me.
Psalm 101:6 (TPT)He created a standard for his innermost circle and it was perfectly reasonable for the life he wanted to live – one that was glorifying to his God.
So, what are your standards? How will you define your friendships? Something can be good but not good for you, so it really does start with considering who you want to become.
My innermost circle will be those who ___________
Further reading
Redefining Success 
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